I need clarity

My life is falling apart, and I can’t do anything about it.

It’s Toria here, again. Long time no blog post. I disappeared for a while because of school and my final year exams. You’re probably expecting a message saying, “I’m finally back to writing”, but it’s quite the opposite this time.

I’ve felt very detached from writing and everything I used to love for the longest time. Because I’ve always called writing my first love, I found it hard to accept that I might’ve been slowly losing my spark to write. Now that I think about it, it has not only been about writing. Somehow, I’ve lost my drive to create content, create colourful and creative makeup looks, make styling videos I enjoy, and so many other things. I don’t know how I began to disappear into the shadows, but at least I can now sit with my emotions because I have more time at hand. I’m a graduate now, so exams are the least of my worries (thankfully). The downside of that is you have just the right amount of time to really evaluate your life.

You guys know that I’ve never hidden my hunger for success. I want to be successful—call it greed or whatever—I really don’t care. I want to be disgustingly successful that even I will begin to fear my workmate and success. I want it that bad, and I’ve always been willing to work for everything I want. I’ve worked tirelessly, developed things, started a business—I’ve basically done everything to continually invest in myself and craft. However, I’m beginning to lose sight of who I truly am.

It’s currently 4am WAT, and I just spent the last one hour scrolling through my archived posts on instagram. I used to be so carefree. I used to post my articles on my page, create whimsical makeup looks, dress up to take pictures around my estate—creating used to be fun like that. But now, I worry about being stuck on 3k followers since December. I worry about having the wrong hook for an almost perfect video. I worry about my fellow creator who has a more stable community than mine. I worry if I even have a community at all, or I’m just existing online. It’s funny because I used to be so sure. It was always: “I’ll become a very good writer; best selling author in fact. I’ll also act if I’m opportuned to”. Then it transcended to: “I’ll become a very good writer, maybe publish a book. I’ll also be a successful beauty influencer and build one of the biggest beauty businesses in Africa and beyond. I’ll also be known in the fashion industry because my approach to beauty wouldn’t be the usual ‘clean girl aesthetic’ but a bold and colourful approach that blends fashion and beauty seamlessly.”

Now, I don’t even know where I stand. I remember being asked on several occasions what I wanted to be in the future as a child. The first day, I wanted to become a popular actress, but I was told that I’d go wayward too soon. On the second day, I wanted to become a journalist, but my brother told me that journalists were often killed unjustly while covering trendy news. So I switched and decided to become a doctor. However, I knew that was a big bluff—something in me knew I wasn’t made for the ICU. I just didn’t know any other profession at the time. Then I wanted to become a Lawyer, but I discovered much later in life that I chose law because I thought it was the only relevant non-medical course—basically, scarcity mindset.

My point is, I’ve been shuffling from one thing to the other from time immemorial. You could say it’s because I’ve been blessed with the ability to be good at so many things. I didn’t ask to be multitalented. What multitalentedness does is that it creates so much confusion for one person to bear.

Sometimes, I see certain friends following a singular path and I wonder how much easier life must be for them. They don’t have to deal with internal struggles of deciding which cause to align with. Craziest part is, the digital era we live in today mostly rewards compounded consistency. But how can one be consistent with just one thing when they also find fulfilment in other things?

In our world, you must either have a touch of silliness or exceptionalism to be relevant, but what happens when you don’t even know where you belong sometimes?

I find myself creating content that feels genuine at first until I hit the ‘post’ button, and I start thinking about everything I could have done better. With overthinking also comes the loss of followers, motivation, and drive.

I am on a path to discovering myself again, at least I like to think of it like that. But I know deep down that I have tried to discover and rediscover who I am several times. The deeper I go, the heavier this identity crisis becomes. I can’t dedicate my entire life to writing because I know that I’d be unhappy without makeup brushes and clothes. I also can’t dedicate my entire life to makeup because I’d lack depth without my first love, writing.

God, it’s much worse now that I’m done with school. “You need to have a plan” keeps ringing in my head, and the voice keeps getting louder. I actually have to get my life together and get it right. Maybe not in my twenties, but I eventually have to get it right. There’ll be too much at stake to not get my shit right.

As I kept scrolling through my archives, I realised that I had lost my colour and carefree nature.

Life feels really directionless and blurry right now, and I don’t like being unsure. I don’t like when I don’t have stuff figured out because it’s daunting. There’s always a subtle reminder that you’re in control of your life and actions. Yes, one should surrender all to God, but even that surrender requires the willingness to push yourself forward.

I’m not sure where to end this blog post because I’m not even certain of how I started it. I just need a lot of clarity and structure right now because I really don’t want to merely exist.

I want to live. I really want to live unapologetically and spontaneously. I want to get ideas and not be limited by nepa or heat. I want do what I love without spending 7 hours in traffic with trailer horns and engine combustions blasting in my face. I want to live without having to spend 50k on four makeup products alone. I want to live without having to worry about electricity to power my light to film fashion content. I want to live without having to worry about the nearest library to write in. I want to live without having to turn off my phone after having an insane article inspiration because of low battery and no electricity. I just want to live in the simplest and littlest ways. I’m so certain that if I continue doing everything I’m doing, I put God in my plans, I keep looking for ways to upgrade my craft—success will never be a fallacy. But with limiting resources? It takes longer time and energy.

I don’t even know who I want to become anymore. As silly as that sounds, I’m very hurt by it. I want to be sure about my dreams again. I want to get my spark back. I want to create what feels genuine to me without being limited by resources or worried about the numbers and reach. I want to feel alive without being suffocated by my thoughts and worries. I just want to live.

I know that I can be so much better. I have so much greatness in me, and I need to unpack every single thing. I have so much life to live, and I truly want to die knowing that I lived life.

This is my little rant. I’m overwhelmed and deeply confused. I can’t seem to focus anymore, and it’s tiring. You can give suggestions on how I can scale through this phase. I need a bunch of those right now. Bye, xx.